That "moment"

So I was sitting at work, about midnight, and I had that moment. You know the one, we've all had it numerous times before. That moment when you go "a-ha! I'm too fat, and I'm going to do something about it NOW!" I was watching terrible waste-of-time youtube videos, and had polished off a whole family size bag of chips and a full block of chocolate. I feel sick.

So here I am. New attempt, new blog. About 2-3 years ago I started at 117.9kg and got down to 85 odd kg. Then life got too good, if that's possible, and weight became my last priority, I was too happy to care. Within the next year I gained back most of what I'd lost and found myself back at 111kg. I tried to lose it about 6 months ago.. But life got in the way and I didn't care enough. I wasn't doing it for ME, I was doing it because I saw a group of my friends doing it and thought "shit, what will they think of me if I don't?" Don't get me wrong - the girls are all incredible and would never judge me for it - but obviously I was feeling bad about my weight and that's how it manifested itself. I lost 5kg or so during those 4 months and most, if not all and more, has come back. I will weigh myself when I'm at home. The one thing I know is that my clothes don't fit me, and I feel uncomfortable just leaving the house.

Honestly, I'd been happy with my weight for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not healthy, and I know I could stand to lose 40+ kg.. But I was happy with who I am, weight included. Now that I've come to the realisation that I've again become embarassed by my weight, I know being okay with myself is no longer an excuse... Because I guess I'm not, really. So I'm going to go home, sleep up, and then wake up and plan. I'm not doing this by halves. I'm going to plan my strategies - exercise, food and me time.

I don't believe in saying "This time is for real!" and "it's my time now"... You never know what the future holds, and I'm taking this one week at a time. But I know that next week I'll aim to weigh less than I do this week, and I hope I can say the same for many weeks to come.